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We went to the beach on Friday afternoon as England had just lost the ashes in a 5-0 drubbing.

We all wanted answers. Particularly as every Australian takes such great delight upon discovering that we are “poms” and proceeds to say, without fail, almost word for word, “so, you won’t be too happy about the cricket then?”.

No.

I am not.

However, whilst at the beach, I discovered the reason why. The Australians have clearly been employing underhand tactics. I heard on the news that the players were celebrating on some famous persons yaucht. This rubbed some salt into the wounds. The whole scandal became clear whilst lying on the beach. I awoke to witness a young child dragging what looked like a fairly tired boat onto the beach, unaware that she was revealing her countryfolk’s secret cricketting weapon, which had just been safely retired:

So… They fitted a turbo…